So you are a new immigrant in the USA. Or you have been here forever. The rules apply to all. Follow these simple common sense guidelines and you will enjoy your freedom.
1. Men. This country places you at the bottom of the pecking order. Children, women, and pets (in that order) are ahead of you. So get in line and peleka hiyo ujuaji yako Kangemi.
2. Young men. Do not be copycats. When you see boys in the hood sagging thsir pants, it may be a sign that they are available for their fellow gay men. If you are straight, pull up your pants to the waist.
3. Drivers. Obey all the driving rules in the drivers manual. No exception. You are not in Makadara, Nairobi. Wacha ujuaji ya madere wa mathree. Buckle up, and tell all your passengers to do so. Do not jump the lights, do not park or wait in the disabled spot or fire lanes; you will attract so much fines utalipa in installments.
4. House owners. Tune down your music. Your neighbor will call on you if your house is too loud.
5. Do not. Repeat. Do not leave kids unattended. Ati sijui motto amelala uendee maziwa hapo kwa kiosk. Wewe. Utanyanganywa huyo mtoi na uwe deported mara that! Umesikia?
6. Be careful what you post on social media. Hizo mambo za kuwa tagged in naughty Friday night parties muache. Sahau. Your boss or future boss is watching. You will lose your job or fail in future jobs.
7. Be kind and nice. Hii dunia haitaki kiherehere yako. Just because you saw a bellicose Haitian woman screaming at the policeman or a loud mouthed African American woman yelling at people na wewe uanze. Wewe, usijaribu. Huku sio kwenu.
8. Back to men. Usilete ujuaji yako hapa. Just because you were a cattle dip chairman in your village in Maili Nne, now you think people here care. Nobody wants to be bossed around. Including your woman and kids. The first thing kids learn in school is 911. If they tell on you at school, you will never know what hit you when those nosy social workers begin to investigate you.
9. Kama huna papers. Lie low like an envelope. Niseme kama Ole Ntimama. Usitake watu wajue status yako. Hujui nani snitch. Especially watu wa church. They will be the first to tell on you.
10. Na nyinyi ambao saa zote ni kusema wale wengine hawana papers. Shame on you. Kwani huku ni nyumba ya baba yako? Wacha watu wafanye kazi wajenge Jamhuri. Wacha muchene jamani!
11. Kids in school. You have a very bright future. This country offers you the very best. You cannot get it any better anywhere in the world. Get your 4.0 GPA and see how the world will lay a red carpet for you. Scholarships will come flying your way. You will chose what Ivy League School to attend. Trust me.
12. For all of us. Keep out of trouble. That green card can be revoked just like that. Hebu jaribu failing to file taxes. Ama minor felony like DUI. You will be shipped back to your miserable village before you say Sasha!
13. Hata Mungu alikuwa na sheria kidogo. But lastly. Use your common sense. Hapa si kwa mama yako bwana!
By Mzee Moja | email@example.com