The Challenges of Raising Children in America

In Kenya and perhaps in most of Africa, it is not very challenging, raising a child or children as it is in a foreign land. Back in our home countries, a child belongs to the society, and everybody takes responsibility of not only their own children, but those of relatives, and even those around them. You can be absent in your child's life, but as long as you have aunties, uncles and grandparents, your child may be raised fairly well. (Thus, the saying It takes a village to raise a child).

There are advantages as well as disadvantages of raising children in America. One of the advantages is the free education, from kindergarten to high school. The disadvantages include the challenges the children above eight years old encounters while trying to assimilate in schools and in society in general.

Like all of us who come to a new country, a young school -age child will be faced with culture shock.

Immediately the child enters into the school system, they are termed as different and lacking enough language skills. Children are placed in English language classes where they have to be 'taught English'. I say ‘taught English' because most of them already know how to write, read and speak in English, but do not speak with an accent like the Americans. Most schools do not have uniforms and children have to wear their regular clothes, which put pressure especially on teenagers to “fit in” and be perceived as “hip”, ‘ fashionable and stylish.' The behavior of our children is also challenged, especially, when they first arrive here. Whereas at home we teach our children to be quiet and only talk when necessary, especially at school, this behavior is termed as weak and passive. Most of the children during this transition stage are overwhelmed, and get into what is called a “silent period”. At this time, a child is trying to comprehend what is happening within and around them..

For a child to fit and be accepted, there are some set down expectations and influences that are unspoken norms. Today children as young as nine years are influenced to have a boy friend or a girl friend like their peers. After a while, if you do not have one, you are considered a social misfit. Within a short time, some children are already talking about their first kiss…their first dance …and the list continues. The expectation list increases as they move on to higher grade level and the pressure on them goes up a notch or two. Our children learn so much, (good and bad) within a short period of time and parents are unaware of where the children are getting all this info.

You may be familiar with the phrase ‘You are what you see and hear constantly.' Who are our children watching? Who are they listening to? Who are their role models? Who are their teachers? Statistics have proved that children spend more time watching television than in any other activity apart from sleep. Dr. John Nelson of the American Medical Association has found that; ‘The average child will watch 8,000 murders on TV before finishing elementary school. By age eighteen, the average child has seen 200,000 acts of violence on TV, including 40,000 murders. 62% of children say that sex on TV shows and movies influences them to have sex when they are too young.' Unfortunately, the television is our children number one teacher. Some parents in an effort to alleviate this problem have tried to use parental control. Nevertheless, even the mildest of our children's programs are not free of these obscenities and especially during commercials.

The Internet has become our children's second teacher. It is available and accessible 24 hours to all including our children. Internet exposes kids to pornography, online harassment, and child predators.

The third teacher to our children is their peers. Unfortunately, they are the faithful students of television and the Internet. Also, they learn from the magazines (including the so called “dirty magazines”), and these are not from credible writers. These magazines contents are not different from what they watch on television, promoting vices like violence, a carefree life style, money, and sex. Unfortunately, parents rank at the bottom of the list, and the term ‘getting on my nerves' is constantly used by the children, if they are challenged or questioned by the parent(s). After being exposed to all of these other teachers, parent's wisdom seems outdated and annoying.

Why should the parent be last on the list when they should be the first? This is because when we come to this country, the life-style changes and all the monies that we can make as long as we keep working also mesmerizes us. We get jobs and forget to consider our children in our schedules. We buy good cars, good homes, and good clothes for our children and ourselves and completely forget the job of raising them. We reward our children with cell-phones, iPods, X-box and all other modern gadgets, and we neglect the most important thing of all – ourselves.

All children regardless of age need love and assurance and especially in this society. When they come here our children become lonely, bored and crave for company, interaction, and play. You will notice this when they are in a social gathering (such as the church or a birthday parties), they do not want to leave, when it is time to go home. Our children have a lot of energy, but because of the weather and the different lifestyle, do not get to go out and play with their peers.

If you will be careful to note, at first our children resent our jobs. They cry, wail, and complain when we leave them and work for many hours. But after some time, when we continue to neglect our children and choose our jobs and other things over them, they come up with their own ideas. If you do not give time to your child, someone or something else will and you may end up being very sorry. So is there something that you as a parent can do? Certainly, yes.

Things you can do:

1. Be there; (and I mean physically) Try to spend some time each day with your child. Change your schedule or get another job with a better schedule. Work less hours. Listen to your child. Ask them how their day was, especially at school and did they bring any homework. Listen to what they have to say about their day at school. Know their friends. You will learn so much just by listening to your child, and it will be much easier to help them. Try to be a friend rather than being confrontational with your child. It makes it so much easier for them to open up to you

2. Be informed; in this age and time every parent should be familiar with how to operate a computer. You need to be aware of Internet, face book, twitter, blogs, web cam etc. Your child may be using the Internet in your presence, and you are unaware of how vulnerable the child is due to lack of knowledge, and are not able to help or intervene. It is important to know whom your child is talking to over the net.

3. Be alert; Pay close attention to how they express themselves, and or any mood or behavior changes. Bad behavior and attitudes should be addressed before they escalate. Be careful where your children visit or have sleep-overs. Watch out for your children in big occasions like weddings or group gatherings. Do not drop your child and leave. If you have to, have a full time guardian watching your child and knowing their whereabouts. Don't trust everyone. Child predators and abusers are usually people that you interact with everyday. Appear suddenly in places your children do not expect you. Be alert like a hawk!

4. Pray for your children. Pray with your children. Pray silently when alone. Pray loudly when with them. Teach them how to pray for themselves.

5. Limit Television watching at home. Avoid children having television set in their rooms, where you do not know what they are watching. Teach your child what to watch and what not to watch and tell them why. Literally turn off the TV when the shows are inappropriate!

6. Put your Internet and computer in open places where everyone can access it and know what you are doing. Limit time and period for each child according to their age. Teach them never to give their real names, addresses, social-security, phone numbers and or other details to anyone they do not know on the phone or online. For younger children find out more about interactive websites which have good lessons for children.

7. Plan ahead for your children; Plan for summer vacations, outings and other activities that will keep your child both busy, having fun and productive. Once a week try to do something fun with them. Go watch a movie or rent one and watch at home. Go out to eat occasionally. Go bowling, swimming etc. Do something! Be willing to spend money on your child. (It is important to build houses and buy land in your home country) but do not sacrifice your children's life over these things (which unfortunately you may not be the one to enjoy them). The first investment you have is towards your own children.

8. Go places with your child. Begin with what the community has to offer without cost. Drive around and read signs on what is going on in your area. Go read books in the library; walk to the park and ride bikes; go eat dinner in a restaurant that children can play too; take a road trip; go to the circus; go to the museum, and visit a friend where you have to take a plane. Try out new adventure, go horse or camel riding etc.

9. Visit their schools; Go for your child's teacher-parent conferences rather than making a call; go for the end year Christmas concert; go when they invite you to have breakfast with mom /dad. Participate and show interest in their world. Befriend their teachers. Volunteer occasionally to help in the classroom or school activity when needed. (When moving or buying a home, consider good school districts. A good school is an integral part in your child overall development and character.)

10. Identify your child hobby and work on it. If they love piano, pay for piano lessons. If they love basketball take them for tournaments. If they enjoy swimming enroll them at the Y.M.C.A. Introduce them to karate lessons. Take them to ballet class. If they do not have ideas, introduce them to what you know. Ask questions and get information on what your child can do.

11. Get out of the Box; you grew up in Kenya or whatever country you grew up in, but your children are growing up here and may never live in your home country. Let them learn how to mingle with other cultures. Visit a different church and meet with new people. Go to a Hispanic culture night. Let your children take a German class. Let a Mexican teach you a new recipe. Let them be exposed to different cultures, Hispanic, Caucasians, and Indians etc.

12. Do not allow your child to be intimidated and afraid of other races. Let him/her know she can do what they can do; she can be what they can be; there is no limitation. They are all growing up in the same country and they have the same opportunities.

13. Last and the most important: Teach them the Word. Train them to hide it in their hearts. Teach them to memorize and seek refuge in God. Take them to church. Don't drop them and leave. Stay there too. All other things may fail you, but the Word of God will never fail you. Psalm 119: 9-11 says ‘How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.