Twelve Things About WanaKenya Nyumbani That Are Annoying

I was on my 2nd cup of Americano at the Peets Coffee in downtown Livermore; a  quaint city about an hour east of ‘Frisco (that’s San Francisco for the  folks back home) when Mwakilishi published yet another article lampooning  Kenyans in the Diaspora. Seething, I saved the chapter I had been working on  for over 3 hours and opened a new document eager to fire off a counter to the  generalizations, stereotypes, frankly hate that are chockful in these pieces.

Unlike the latest anti-diaspora rant by one David Odongo, I didn’t have to  go back home to catalogue my beef with the folks back there so here goes:

1. So When Are You Coming Back “Home”? -- Part I

The working assumption in this question is that (a) we all can come back home  and (b) we WANT to come back home.

To be blunt and this is now an open secret; some in the diaspora cannot come  back home due to their immigration status AND on the advice of their legal  counsel. Yes, some back here are still working through the legal labyrinth  that is emigrating to somewhere in the diaspora. And unlike the norm back in  Kenya, folks in (fill in the blank) cannot simply “toa kitu kidogo” and  make the problem go away.

Finally, and unfortunately, some cannot come back home until their stay as  “guests of the state or federal government” ends after which they WILL  definitely come back.

So there, that’s why some in the diaspora cannot come back. Happy?

2. So When Are You Coming Back “Home”? -- Part II

It may come as a surprise to some but there are those in the diaspora who  have built fairly decent lives; in some cases, lives with their non-Kenyan  spouses/partners replete with trans-national/bi-racial “tois”. Some of  these little ones have allergies not to mention diasporian taste buds and  sensibilities that may (or may not) take too kindly to the flavorful and  frankly delicious Kenyan dishes and the dust, flora and fauna “back  there” especially “home-squared”.

Finally, between the monthly, in some cases bi-weekly remittances, the  “madoubles” and “matriples” barely pay enough to buy a plane ticket  and afford the near-requisite spending $$.

Maybe in due time, some of us will come back to visit AND maybe retire  “there” but until then…..

3. When Are You Getting Married?

When I am ready and/or find a suitable mate and please don’t try to set me  up with “nyako maber” or “nyar so-and-so”. Remember? I am the  “wuoyi molal loka”; the son who is lost overseas. On this one, I will  gladly pass on that "beautiful girl" or "daughter of so-and-so"; choosing  instead to remain AWOL.

4. Hebu Send Some Money.

The same people making fun of those in the diaspora doing “madoubles” and  “matriples” are the same ones who have no shame blowing up their  cellphones (or mobiles) every two or four weeks asking for a share of the  “matunda ya madoubles and matriples”.

Yes WanaKenya, the billions in remittals you pine for; whose impact on the  country’s economy is glowingly cited by your leaders at every reading of  the annual budget are legally and honestly earned “caring for folks in  nursing homes”.

Tell us again what’s wrong with earning an honest living working?

Oh I forgot. Tis y’all who perfected the art of thievery and  tenderpreneurship constantly laughing at those who choose to earn an honest  living -- a concept that is foreign to yall -- no pun intended.

5. Basi You Know How Things Are Back Here.

No I don’t know how things are back “there”. Please tell me and while  you are at it, can you help me understand how these “things” are related  to the fact that you still haven’t told me what happened to the money I  sent you for the “kaploti” you harangued me to buy?

Can you also tell me why the “network” that was fully operational when  you wanted the MTCN or MPesa Reference # suddenly went “marach” when I  insisted on an explanation?

6. Malo, “Punctuality” is a Western Construct.

Kwani where was the restaurant going to anyway and aren’t you supposed to  be on vacation? So I arrived two hours after the appointed time, mazee  “hakuna matata”. Hebu jivunia.

7. Kwani Haujivunii Kwa MKenya?

You know, I love the country of my birth; I love Kenya and what I THOUGHT it  stood for but after the assassinations, kleptocracy and the accompanying  impunity AND being “majuu”; seeing how her peers have done in comparison,  pole, “sijivunii kwa mediocre.”

I am happy for your patriotism and national pride but both qualities also  mean calling out “my country” when it effs up -- repeatedly -- and  “my” Kenya has religiously shot itself in the foot since independence.

8. Hebu Stop “Twanging”, Know Worr am Saying?

“Twanging”? Actually I don’t know what you are saying. What ARE you  saying?

“Yaye Marlo, wek mwonyo” – “Marlo stop ‘swallowing’ or truncating  your words.”

Oh, my accent bothers you?

You do remember Kenya’s favorite diasporite thanking “KenyaRRa” for  co-hosting the Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES) last July don’t you?  Who do you think he was thanking and why didnt he say "KenyaTTa"?

Sorry but some of us have lived in (fill in foreign country of choice) for  our entire adult life. I’d imagine that after that much time immersed in a  foreign culture, one would start “doing as the Romans do” ama? Come to  think of it, isn’t the same phenomenon at play when someone from “bara”  living in “pwani” for a long time speaks Swahili that is fluid almost  lyrical?

On the other hand, I also know some people who have lived "majuu" for quite  some time and still butcher the words “shop” and/or “soap” -- the  former mysteriously morphing into “soap” and the latter into “shop”  so maybe you are onto something.

9. When I was in (fill in the blank)”…..

Really, when I was in downtown LA on the corner of South Flower and West Pico  Blvd., a Chevy Malibu, you know, Chevrolet Malibu? Well one pulled up next to  me at a stop light and the dread-locked man sitting in the front passenger  seat raised an AK-47 as they were driving away – shouting “This is  what’s up.”

Oh and when I was in Kano Plains when the Nyando River was flooding, an  annual ritual due to the government’s inability to allocate adequate  resources to (a) build flood control barriers and (b) harness the waters to  (fill in the blank), I saw a huge crocodile.

10. So Remind me Why Y’all Have Traffic Lights and Signs if Y’all Don’t  Obey Them?

Me: So that mathree just blew through a red light, what’s with that?

Kenyan Relative: Mazee, it’s 7PM. You do not want to stop at this  light…..it’s notorious for thugs.

Me: Where are the “sonyis”?

Kenyan Relative: Oh the cops are probably in cahoots with the “majambazi”  and if not, a traffic ticket is easily fixed with a $5, $10 or $20 bill  strategically placed when handing them the driver’s license.

Me: What if the matatu causes an accident, injuries or death?

Kenyan Relative: Hali ya Mungu na ya dunia. Besides, si wako na insurance  coverage ama?

11. We Don’t Need The West.

Yeah Right!!

12. One Last Word:

Deodorant! Yes, I went there. So sue me and I will just bribe your bloody  judges!

By Washington Osiro | marloow@yahoo.com