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I will not quote the numerous media reports in the last couple of years both in the homeland and the diaspora, but the fact is, the Kenyan man is under attack. And it is time to have a conversation about it.
Cases abound of the reversed domestic violence in many Kenyan homes. Even though the many cases reported appear to be emanating from the Central region of the Republic, may be the topic of men receiving a beating from their wives is still taboo in the other regions.
I dare say the other regions could be in a worse situation based on a news item this last Sunday. I am referring to the case where the majority leader in Machakos County, one Mr. Joshua Wonga, received a slap from a nominated female MCA, Carol Musembi. Now, if that happened to an elected leader, in broad daylight, and in public, how bad is the situation behind closed doors to the regular Joe?
Now, allow me to say that the worst humiliation one can receive does not come in the form of worn out akala sandal flying your direction in Migori, it is not even a fimbo attack by an “elderly, mentally challenged, 40-year†old Kwale man. The king of all humiliations is a man receiving a slap on his face from a woman, in public! Well, that and being Emilio Mwai Kibaki going on national TV to make a special announcement to the world that you have only “one wife.†But I digress.
Having qualified my argument that the phenomenon currently bedeviling the modern Kenyan man is not a preserve of Central Kenya, now to the serious argument.
You and I know that the women folk have slowly but steadily “taken†over the role otherwise spiritually, traditionally and culturally was a man’s domain. More women are now the official household heads. More women are financially well off than their partners, a good number are also more educated than the menfolk.
There was an important report appearing in Kenyan media this last Saturday that in the Kiharu region of Muran’ga County, more rural women are now better off financially than the men, especially due to the “chamas†and women-friendly government lead policies.
The report in The Standard went on to say that the men in the area are living a nightmare of seeing their roles taken over by their spouses. And when push comes to shove, the women, who by all means are also healthier than the men, go down fighting, and receive the winner’s belt.
Of course the men have themselves to blame. As their wives toil to put food on the table, pay school fees, and meet other household bills, the menfolk are busy looking for ethanol-laced cheap brews that mess up their perception.
The Kenyan diaspora is also in a similar situation. Social scientists will eventually tell us that women adapt and acculturate faster to a foreign culture than men. As such, even as men who have crossed the pond remain mentally stuck in their “prestigious†positions back home, the women settle in and get the academic papers needed by the system to make some money.
And so as Baba Boi was used to reading his Daily Nation in the evening or grab one-for-the-road as he waited to be served by the madam, he still brought his behavior to the new environment. Catching up with Kenyan news online while sipping Budweiser is a must for the Kenyan man abroad-and there is a lot happening of late.
And so it goes that, by the time Baba Boi goes through all that is available online in terms of Kenyan and global news, madam has just achieved an A+ in her Human Anatomy class. Two years down the line, as Uhuru fights it out with Jakom in another presidential election, Baba Boi is an expert pedestrian pundit of Kenyan politics, thousands of miles away -Gutiri mundu ungimukiria (That is French for "He becomes the Mr. Know-it-all"). Meanwhile, Madam graduates, sumna-cum-laude, from her community college. The rest is history.
And so we end up where we started. Before the log gets wet and slippery, as my people say, it is time the Kenyan men rose up and crossed the rivulet.
Form chamas, or whatever, stir up each other, wake up each other, shake each other from the seeming slumber. Do something. Failure to do something and our sons might perform worse than us. And then by 2050, children of the time will be reading in oral literature lessons about a period, a long time ago, during the era of “Ndemi na Mathathi,†when men were the community leaders. I am just saying it. Now do not go killing the messenger.
By Macharia Gaitho | babaashley2@gmail.com
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It's been said "Nature abhors a vacuum" and where the head of the family has been on haitus, the woman with her maternal instincts could not seat around and allow the vacuum to be taken over by nefarious forces. Better the vacuum be filled by the woman in the house than other unknown entities.
Having said this, it does not mean that the natural order of relationships should now be usurped by women. As good as women are, they were created from the Spiritual point of view as helpers. The danger arises as women look at this ascension to power as a blessing of sorts. It is a blessing, but if not understood for what it really is, then it could very well bring the whole house down and the children end up getting hurt. When the head ceases to be the head and the neck takes it's place, an abnormal authority is established within the family and with this abnormality you see a rise in the distress in the family unit.
It is no wonder that with the rise of women into power, heart attack has become the leading cause of death among women. Women were not created to carry the load that only the man should carry. That is why the strength of a man physiologically lies in his shoulders (broad shoulders) while that of a woman lies in the hips (big hips).
So while men wake up to the fact that they need to take up their rightful place as the head of the family, women should awaken to the fact that they are not men no matter how much their paychecks may stroke their egos that they can do everything that a man can do and even better. They cannot!!!!
Well said...I wish there was a like button in Mwakilishi
From one sister to another; I totally concure Patricia. We are created as help-meet not as the head. I loved your "Nature abhors a vacuum" theory, trouble in Paradise does arises when Adam vacats his position and the rest is history...
watch this epic Kikuyu poem-If you understand the lingo.
Mr. Editor, Macharia Gaitho and Peter Gaitho seems to be different persons. Even though the former is more famous in Kenyan Media circles, his namesake Peter Gaitho is a promising gem in the raw.
Kwani hapo ni Kikuyu Township? The fella and his buddies + the neighborhood looks like some place I worked once under Utumishi Kwa Wote.....I don't know how these sots escaped my dragnet; they must have been very young then. Sad, this never stopped
Wewe Baba Ashley wewe.....wacha ku-incite wasee! What are we gona lose to women that we haven't? And who exactly is losing - us or them?
I think if it's about losing and winning, then men lost it long time ago. Women won big time but I think they are the ones who are losing right now, a direct consequence of their earlier win. Lemme explain:
For stability in social relations, any society is governed by a set of standards that guide the behaviour of its members, both at the individual and the societal level. They are rarely written and always constitute the unspoken and unwritten "constitution" that orients individuals and groups to behave in socially accepted ways. Call them traditions, rules, norms, values or whatever but I think you understand my point. This is true with all societies all over the world.
Couple decades ago, women, I think somewhere in the west, in the ol' US of A to be particular, woke up and decided that it was time to upset the social applecart of the day by demanding that men-to-women and women-to-men relations change because they felt that they had been short-changed for so long. Those at the forefront of this battle were called feminists - I choose to call them feminazis, coz that's what they later became. Their overriding mantra went something like this, "what a man can do, a woman can do better!" And they beat their drums senseless all over town until men got the message. Of course this didn't happen overnight; it took couple decades.
Now something very interesting ensued: real men, when confronted by women, don't fight back coz seriously, women are NO match for real men (the men you talk about here being beaten by their wives are not men, they are something else, pets maybe but not MEN) Real men will let women have whatever they are clamoring for because ,"mtoto akililia wembe, mpe"
So they got it - money, power and all. To me, this battle waged by women was essentially a spirited campaign to emasculate men, to bring them down to earth. The social norms that governed relations between men and women broke down and now we have a situation a one Durkheim (19th century French sociologist), described as anomie - a condition where society provides no moral guidance to its young men coz what had been there has been dismantled by feminazis. As a commenter earlier noted, nature abhors vacuum and men have turned out to be what they are now - less inclined to marry, less inclined to be competitive coz its seen as too macho, less inclined to work hard, drunkards, terrorists and thugs etc. They have also become more effeminate (as feminazis desired), more inclined to plait their hair, use funny earings, noserrings and generally, more sissy. And this leads to my initial question: Exactly who is losing? Women are having a very hard time finding husbands and many are resorting to bearing kids out of wedlock with all its adverse attendant consequences. Loneliness is one of the biggest problems afflicting women all over and many are depressed (I personally know quite a few in this situation) Gone are the days when men would go out of their way to woo a woman for a hand in marriage. Many women frustratingly wait for a guy to show some interest, even a jambo to no avail. Way too many women are frustrated with the men they created and once in a while, you will hear a feminazi yell something like this to a poor brother caught in the ropes: Man up!
So, while women got what they wanted, what in their view was nirvana, they lost the very important aspect of what makes them whole. And the loss has just began. From my viewpoint, I foresee a society where marriage and family as we know them will continue to be avoided, especially by men coz marriage especially, is the ultimate juncture where men capitulate. And as women lose, men are actually gaining in myriad ways - less stress at the workplace coz the woman wanted to be boss so they can get all the heart attacks, less lung cancer as more men quit smoking and more women take up the practise in the belief that it will make them more powerful, more sex for men arising from "sex for fun only" / friends with benefits, arrangements and girls feeling sexually emancipated etc.
Baba Ashley, as you can see, I will be last one to respond to your call to arise with all these carrots dangling in front of me. Eneke the bird says, "since men have learnt to shoot without missing, I have learnt to fly without perching" Now, replace the word "men" in that proverb with "women" and I am at home
Good observations. There was never a feminist revolution, it was a sex revolution. With the advent of contraceptives in the 60s, women wanted to be sexually emancipated from the chains of puritanism were sex was for procreation and as u have mentioned, to emasculate men. The condition of women in USA never changed, they are overly sexualised, good to be cheerleaders, judge by beauty standards decided by the white man, earn less than men, never allowed to show emotions, . , no maternity leave, Women are only good for shopping etc.
What women can do better than men (cooking, family, taking care of family, nurture the next leaders) are down looked upon while in my opinion women have a bigger role to play which should be better appreciated. The only thing men can do is earn money and scare away thugs. Men end up emasculated. So the story goes, men abuse women, Men are peodophiles, never allowed anywhere near children. Single mom, soccer mom, independent women driving behemouths are the new norm. Next generation of boys and girls never get to be nurtured by men (Think from daycare, elementary, high school) there are no male teachers or models. For blacks the 1st time meeting a male model is the the cop or parole officer.
So this is what we end up emulating when we come here never understanding the context of what is promoted in mainstream. But to be fair to kenyan women, most work hard and excel while guys to the most part end up gangbanging.
But with all this conduct is upto the individual.
Mlachake, you have excellently put it. Nothing but the truth.
@Mlachake...you have spoken for the silent majority on this forum. And i like your quote from Chinua Achebe's novel "Things Fall Apart". I once enrolled in a Women Studies class in college in an effort to understand this new phenomenon in our society. What i see here in the US is slowly starting to happen in Kenya. The glorification of the girl child at the expense of the boy child is finally coming home to roast. But you ask a fundamental question...who is losing? To answer that question, one need only to observe the current social order both in the Diaspora and back home in Kenya. Look at all those so called well educated and sophisticated women. Most of them are single and desperately lonely with no prospects of ever finding a man. Here in the US, they call themselves independent women. But independent from what? Feminism in my view is just an incoherent mess of double standards that has done allot of damage to our women folk. I see Kenyan ladies who migrate to the US with their husbands (Green Card Holders) only to have their minds poisoned by other single, desperate and manless womenfolk and before you know it, their marriages are over and they become single mothers overnight struggling to make ends meet. The so called freedom and equal rights is just a fallacy.
The reality is that every man needs a woman and every woman needs a man. The Feminist agenda has managed to convince a good number of women that they don't actually need a man but this again is the furthest thing from the truth. Try raising a boy child here in the Diaspora without a father figure. The criminal justice system numbers tell the whole story. No woman can teach a boy child how how to be a man especially here in the US. All the single, educated, independent women i know are desperately looking for a man and you wonder why all the eligible men out there are running for the hills.
Just an observation.
Bw Kazungu Kambi,
I love observing human behavior, I just find it interesting to do so; why, I just don't know. As you state here, I have observed the same men-women relationship trends being replicated across the pond in Kenya. I have witnessed so many women who went in line, hook and sinker for the feminists ideology and today, many years later, they are growing old in solitude and feeling irrelevant in the process, all the money and power notwithstanding.
I have observed most animal behavior and fact is that we humans are animals too, albeit of a higher order. What I have noticed is that the male species generally dominates and rules. It's only in very few species that females rule the world. But our kind has decided to go against the grain and society at large is paying big for it. Only last week, the US Census Bureau released stats showing that, for the first time, singles now comprise the biggest segment of the population - 27% Of course some have willed themselves into this lifestyle but there is a sizable number of folks, both men and women, who cannot or are not willing to find mates. Most of the former are women.
Back to your comments.........the equality women have been seeking in relationships is sinking them into an abyss of solitude and depression and when you add this onto the rigours and stress of the modern workplace, the result is toxic. Maybe we need to redefine equality vs equity??? Like you, I believe in a man and a woman playing complimentary roles and I don't give a hoot to what they call equality. It's all hogwash coz simply I can never be a female and neither can a woman ever be a male. Ultimately, love, in it's broadest definition, is the only panacea for this broken reality called gender relations
Agreed: .....men and women want/complement each other...and yes, the boy child is almost endangered..... that's it....everything else you have written kinda made me wonder whether you are sincere.... Who is not lonely one time or the other? Loneliness does not mean being alone....one can be lonely even within a group or within marriage.....loneliness within marriage is the worst. Most single women have shown that bringing up well-balanced kids is not a fete....it is doable....with the right mentors for support. There are women who cannot get happy without a man, and there are many women who are happier without a man.... Women can live alone and bring up their kids, not sure that men have been known to do so..... My observation in homes where a man dies (God forbid), and the woman is left in charge, all aspects of family are kept stable, but not so when a woman dies and the man is left. Women do not need a man to be organized, men need a woman. If marriage were what it was meant to be, if men could love their wives as the Bible states and women honour their hubbies equally, marriage would be the best institution....unfortunately, this is not the case. Men have to pull up their socks, love can break any barriers, but men, especially the african man has no clue on how to love a woman.
Woa wao woa....I luck word to express what I know and have seen
Women power....I hear this all the time and only know what it can do.
True story:
When I arrived in US, I visited one couple and for 4 years I only wished that kind of family I would love to have. I attended several Kenyan parties and let me say I admired what I was witnessing. Strong husband and great wife standing by to welcome guest in the house, tea served as we used so in Kenya.
Not long ago i was conversing with my Kenyan friend and I start counting how many so called admirable families are still together. I counted 6 family and even some friend who go married and some only talk for kids sake and others cannot even pass words without calling name.
I remember one family always quested to know why I was still single and they went too far length to demand next time I visited their home for get together I must bring someone. I did updated he lonely man (because finally what happed to him he was escorted out of the house with only the cloth he had on and never to trespass), I let him know that I will never exchange my freedom for anything else.
It is pathetic to see the situation some of couple I once new how they end up in divorce mess and almost all was attributed to more demand of equality in the house.
Well…in this world every spicy have its own place and such word as equal is misplaced and used only to serve someone interest. Equality does not means someone is abusing other. It mean you contribute to this world equally to your ability what you were made capable and “for”. I mean never a time a men will give birth and women give sperms. Everyone take your position and stop being misled by outsiders. You only have yourself to blame.
Women have a lot to play to keep family together and easily destroy it….I have seen this way to many times now.
Men on the other side whatever happen remember nothing can replace your responsibility to your kids. Provide for them and enjoy your life. Too many fish in the ocean…man made feast.
Are Kenyan men becoming 'Desperate Husbands of the Diaspora?' Are we becoming this insecure or are we basing our worries on actual events in our lives? Is there anyone trying to look things in a woman's perspective? To me after reading most of this contributions, it looks like they have been written by victims of women power: Same script different actors.
worn out akala sandal flying your direction in Migori<-----thats funny!
First, my kenyan father wanted me to be educated and a well traveled kenyan woman, alot of educated women have support of their kenyan fathers.
and also,alot of Kenyan men are trying in diaspora despite the many challenges....
Men don't be afraid of educated sophisticated women.....arrogance that sometimes come with making more money is not a woman's thing; some men become arrogant when they get money too...its a chracter thing!.....some people have that personality the more money they get the more they get full of themselves.
Not many Kenyan women are well off or hold positions of power...look at the kenya parliment/ companies in kenya.Instead of criticizing those of us few women who are educated and hardworking, I think kenyan men should applaud our efforts.
As for independent women being single and lonely....at least they have money to pay their rent and bills.Better to be lonely and crying with a good job and a lamborghini than to be crying , lonely and uneducated in a tuk tuk!
This article and this type of thinking will not assist anyone.Education is for all.And their is nothing wrong with someone seeking education to better their lives.Or do U knenyan men want to see kenyan women forever struggling in poverty...is that your wish.Style up and get with it kenyan men,If U can't handle a woman who makes money then u HAVE SELF ESTEEM issues that u need to deal with.
Don't blame women for Ur insecurity.....and some of the stories highlighted above,their is more to the story than just my worn out akala sandal flying your direction in Migori...hehehe!.....some men are not handling their bedroom bizness if U know what I mean hence the flying Akala....MONEY/EDUCATION IS NOT THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE!
Ebu waambie @iphone... wamesahau biashara za nyumba... wanakunywa pombe as if inaisha....wanakula maburger kama wazungu and they cannot touch hardcore ugali...ile ina red-indian juu....ati it does not taste good, they prefer the highly sifted white unga that has been striped of all food value...uzungu nayo.... the gun stops shoting bullets and starts shooting blanks.... or just becomes limp, an accessory with no self-confidence or attitude... while the lady of the house is happy with her new found financial independence, anakula vizuri and all the next time you hear, amenyakuliwa...bwana bitterness inapanda, self esteem inashuka.... Whom do you blame.... human being are made to vend for themselves, and surely that woman will, just a matter of time.
As a woman in the Diaspora, I don´t believe in feminism, gender equality, and the emancipated independent women syndrome. Yes am a go-getter girl, but call me old fashioned. I still believe in traditional men & women roles in todays modern society. Men and women are to compliment not compete with each other.
I maybe the CEO in the work place, but when I came home and let my hair down, am the feminine woman, wife, partner. The CEO mindset stays out there. Ladies lets not get things confused. Yes todays empowered women can do alot, but the man is still the head (CEO) of the home. Even in the workplace there can never be two "equal" leaders. Allow your man to be the leader at home (even when you "think" you know better) How will he lead if you keep questioning, doubting, undermining, disrespecting his efforts.? Yielding is not a dirty word ladies :-)
Now guys please, take your place and do what you were created to do. What you are good at; leading. Lead your lives, your children, homes, your relationships etc. Women don´t like passive guys or worse, men who leave the initiative to women then complain when we are forced to take over the roles you have neglected. Ambitious woman shouldn't´t intimidate you; correct me if am wrong, but there is enough competition among men already. Instead of trying to "put her in her place" how about looking at your woman as your assistant? A compliment to your good leadership skills and not as your competitor. Your assistant manager wouldn't intimidate you, unless they were coming after your job...
I don't want to and will never be a man and men will never be woman. Call me old-fashioned, but I need a man who who has the courage to llead. Even if he isn´t 100% sure about the destination. If he is making an effort with our mutual good at heart, I will trust he is on the right path and will not only follow, but support and stand behind him...#My 2 cents.
Wow...Nancy, are you married or eeeeh, in a relationship? Wish all women got it the way you do. Most of us men become passive when confronted by women but we love it when we see a strong woman like you and most of us are simply looking for a woman, a real woman, with whom we can simply share some love. You need to talk to a lot of women out there and I also agree with you 100% that some men have given up and no longer know how to behave like men.....wish I could meet you in person...you are tooo beautiful already....waaaaaah!
Mlachake you making me laugh... Ati am toooo beautiful already :-) I thought these were your sentiments:
"Baba Ashley, as you can see, I will be last one to respond to your call to arise with all these carrots dangling in front of me. Eneke the bird says, "since men have learnt to shoot without missing, I have learnt to fly without perching" Now, replace the word "men" in that proverb with "women" and I am at home."
Anyhow, I really like your school of thought and how you penned your words. Are you a writer or would you be willing to grant me an interview...? I share my thoughts with my disillusioned sisters...(Often ducking invisible stones and Migori akalas LOL!) Ironically I too was once disillusioned; before I saw the light and the deceitfulness of "emancipation." There is a divine order of the family unit and all else is dis-functional.
@Mlachake and Nancy, there was a psychologist who observed that after a domestic quarrel, some couples tend to be horny and making out becomes better. I am so good at reading between the lines, and what I can see is two people who might be using this forum to hook up. It is well and good! My message; make love and not war at home...as it is, mapenzi kama kikohozi, hayafichiki...only remember to thank Mwakilishi and BabaAshley if it comes to pass.
hehehe....hii mambo sasa....Noma!mapenzi kizunguzunguu!
No, its just that "Mjinga akierevuka, mwerevu huwa mashakani". For a long time, women have suffered under the tyranny and heartlessness of men. Women just rose up and refused to be terrorized and now men are crying fowl.
Second point, Gaitho stop quoting old customs and traditions. If that is the case, then men are supposed to be the sole bread winners in the home coz traditionally that is their role. But things have changed causing role-sharing and reversal. we cannot stick to traditions and old customs in the 22nd century!
Third point, most of the men in the villages who are beaten by their wives, have abdicated their role as heads of the family. They spend their days at the drinking den and the woman is left to provide shelter, food and clothing. Such a man is indeed another child in the home and should face dicspline like the other children in the home from the mother ( wife).
There is so much to say about this topic but bottomline - if a man can hit a woman, a woman can hit a man too, but i suggest that neither man or woman should hit the other.