Rule #1: Know whom you are using to ship your hard earned stuff. These fellows can mess you up and with you being in Kenya you will never be able to do jack to regain your losses because the systems here simply don’t work nor do they coincide with international law. I am withholding a name here for a serious rant to come soon.
Rule #2: Wacha those Walmart and Best Buy electronics hata shavers wacha huko. They simply won’t work in Nairobi lest you spend almost the same price buying converters and inverters na sijui nini. Ujinga ni kupelekea fundi ati hii imetoka ngambo .... usisahau atauliza na hii imeandikwa Best Buy ni ya wapi? The price to fix it will triple.
Rule # 3: All those relatives that used to text you and blow your phone mid-month with a thousand problems will never be seen and shall automatically cease texting you for that ka 1000 bob hapa na pale ama mchango ya matanga. Usijali they realize you are in their turf and you now know they were effing with you while you were far away. They are doing just fine if not greater. Hizo ni pesa za kunywa ama kununua ploti you were funding them.
Rule # 4: Wait till you are on the ground to think of a biashara if that is your plan. Everything has already been done just come and do it better. There are no new ideas people simply just dont want to do them. But when you start they will copy your idea then use the powers that be to eat you alive and throw you out of biashara if not steal your idea. So keep your plans as a highly guarded secret to surprise them.
Rule # 5: DON’T come here with your acquired tweng .... Problem is we cannot hide the tweng coz sometimes warra quickly slips out of water bila kujua sababu Shaniqua at Zaxbys drive through had to hear warra to take your order for those 20 years and it is hard to change in a flash. Someone was quick to know I had not been around for a while when I asked for the trash bin to throw away a water bottle. He said hapa unawekelea tu popote huko ngambo ndio kuna sheria ama wewe ni wa Karen? Hata mama mboga will hike her price for a tomato. I bought a nyanya jana ...3 for 40 bob nikajua hii ni ujinga. Luckily the owner of the stall is my boy akasema ni 25 bob lakini wewe usiwahi lipa hapa kwa ka hustle kangu. Plus, anyone telling you ati hapo utalipa mob sana I know someone that is affordable and does a good job or has good products jua pia yeye amekulia ka commission.
Lastly, DONT TRUST anyone hata your childhood buddies, former schoolmates (EXCEPT PATCHERIANS), friends and family need to be vetted thoroughly otherwise they will eat you alive. In short you are on your own.
To add another one, NO ONE CARES ATI ULIKUWA DIASPORA SO SHUT THE EFF AND COME HOME QUIETLY SABABU HAWAJALI. THIS IS KENYA BUT I AM LOVING IT EVERY BIT.
By Eshirandula Chief-Lui
Comments
Bw. Eshiralunda: Nice piece
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Bw. Eshiralunda: Nice piece save the last words of wisdom. Bluntly put, I was conned straight up by someone who was not only an ex- Patcherian AND house mate (Kirinyaga nee Grigg), he was also a primary school mate!! The irony: The guy is now one of the most articulate voices against corruption and impunity in Kenya...lol. Finally, looks like you've "fit in where you got in and/or vice versa". Enjoy bro!!
Patch, Changes, Kigwaru or
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Patch, Changes, Kigwaru or Kiamwaki..... the school you went to has nothing to do with wizi or not..... Unfortunately, guys from them days who went to National schools put a hype re: schools they attended that only leaves a bad taste in the mouth, especially when it comes to whom they became.
@Fafanua - I would not have
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@Fafanua - I would not have said it better...................................:-).
So one time I absent mindedly
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So one time I absent mindedly asked if this one place had a bathroom and the guys playing pool looked at me puzzled and one goes like hapa ni choo tu hakuna bathrooms.. always cracks me up lol
Umedinya point!
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Umedinya point!
There are Kenyans living in
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There are Kenyans living in the diaspora who, for various reasons, have avoided traveling back for years. It is all okay for them if they aren't planning on going back. Others treat going to Kenya as if it was a trip to the moon. With modern airplanes, Kenya is anywhere between 15 and 24 hours away and anybody can travel there anytime. Frequent traveling to the country grounded on REALITY and a keen OBSERVATION of trends is the best way to avoid these kind of disappointments. Another key element that really helps is NEVER TRUSTING anybody whatsoever. I never understand how one can labor like crazy especially here in the US, working doubles and triples and eventually saving his $100K to send it over to buy land or whatever only to cry he/she was conned! Anything from $10 000 is a lot of money to trust someone else with and the best thing is just to travel there and do it YOURSELF without having to rely on thieving relatives and friends
Mlachake, sio kupenda kwao.
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Mlachake, sio kupenda kwao. Sio kupenda kwa Iphone4G. Every time I finish paying all these bills, kitu kidogo ndicho kinabakia and at times ....nothing. That means doing nothing to secure ones self in Jamhuri. So what excuse do I have of never visiting home......talk bad about it, oh corruption, ooh insecurity, oooh conman from relatives and friends. Life here in the US is rollercoaster, working and paying bills, then when you think you are done, they start milling in again. But I agree with the writer that one should research before entrusting anybody shipping his\her stuff. One should be careful with relatives and friends once he relocate home. They are some Kenyans ripping unsuspecting clients by promising to deliver their goods on time. People I know have not got all their stuff ten months later, with dmv shipping guy disappearing with no apology at all or any compensation. And mwakilishi seems to protect such people when others blow the whistle to urge them to be cautious.
Kusota, thanks for telling
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Kusota, thanks for telling them the truth, the American truth, the America life. Kenyans in the diaspora have spoilt their relatives so much that they now cry foul. SEnding them a 100 bucks here, 200, 500 as pocket money is so much money, and you cant realize that until you reside in Kenya. That kind of money is not easy to come buy. I also agree with Eshandura tand Kusota that people should think twice before before dropping off or trusting these mushrooming shipping companies ran by opportunists. One such company is the infamous dmv shipping owned a Bw Willy of hakuna matata thing. One neighbor had to wait for 9 months to get her goods, the other got his goods scavenged by his relatives on arrival, the other got his goods dished out to his relatives after arrival, the other is still waiting to get his his stuff 13 months todate. And the story goes on.And this this is an arrogant goon, disappearing soon as he receives cargo and payment. Lets all do thorough research and ask real people who have shipped with these cowboy shippers before entrusting your double double goods to them. And kenyans should stop talking ill of their motherland. Usutukane mamako aliyekuzaa ati kwa sababu unaishi kwa wenyewe kwenye barabara nzuri, bills nyingi, and you are not always at home.
Kusota kusota please tell
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Kusota kusota please tell them tell them.Atleast u have admitted yrself majuu nikulipa
mabills Na matripples for life.Haaaaaa keep bragging with the kagreencard.Wakenya
wenzangu please invest polepole u will never know what can happen Hio majuu u
worship n praise all day.
Still living to prove
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Still living to prove something? Meeen please get a life...... no one with what you brag about would try so hard and so long to prove a point. Haven't you gotten over deportation after so many years?
It took a Mkenyahalisi type
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It took a Mkenyahalisi type of nagging and information to act on investing in Kenya. I may not quite agree with some of his wording but I am glad I listened. As I write this, I have been in Mashinani for 2months plus and cannot be more grateful...Mkenya, go go go....one can simply pass your comments without feeling attacked..
I may not comment as often
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I may not comment as often these days but i do keep in "touch"...Didn't you comment the other day that you were at a bar with other folks contemplating your next move after Chase bank debacle. wacha kumchocha @mkenya halisi...He is just like a record stuck in 'repeat'. If your both in the land of milk n honey wacha tuone...post your facebook link here...make it public. We want to see the farming range rovers and the tall apartments...na usipige picha ya wenyewe.Boss....nina mashida leo..poleni!
You are right boss..The side
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You are right boss..The side investment was in Chase Bank and it's looking like we'll get it back. Like I have said before, I have lost money in Kenya but not nearly the loss I saw amongst Kenyans during the real estate bubble. I was one who had sworn off Kenya but it took Mkenya halisi type of nagging to get off my hind side and do something. I may not agree with his language but I sure understand where he is coming from. I would never advise anyone to move back to Kenya without a pla. With a plan and the right kind of attitude,Kenya is sweet,,,
...sorry I forgot...I will
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...sorry I forgot...I will then post my bank statements.... Quid pro quo
Thuraku, some of us do not
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Thuraku, some of us do not need the likes and styles of MHalisi...or yourself to get to do something. Your assumptions that those who do not write down for the world to see what they have done in Jamhuri or elsewhere have done nothing borders on something between idiocy and maskini akipata matanye hulia mbwata......me believes!
@Inferioritycomplex, none of
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@Inferioritycomplex, none of us need the likes of famous investors like Warren Buffet, Suzie Ormon or lessor known investors like Mkenyahalisi to do anything either. Advise is just that - one takes it or leaves it. I steer mostly clear on exactly what I do in mashinani but speak in broad terms on the benefits. I ran into two former diasporans at Lavington Mall last week and the three of us decided to sit at a coffee shop to catch up a bit. First we all agreed that we could not afford the time on a week day in the diaspora.
Secondly, we all agreed what positive psychological impact the move back home has been, albeit with challenges. There is the exception of returnees whose families are rich....they have a big soft landing pad upon return. None of the three of us are in that category...I am not sure where in the states you live, but many of us Kenyans in my stateside neighborhood are caught up in a cycle of work and bills with little else – go to any Kenyan party and confessions begin after a few adult beverages. Just got off the phone with a relative almost in tears because the job she’s been loyal to for a while can only afford her a week to attend a family function in Kenya in June. Osiro can probably attest to that predicament as he is in the California Bay area, my stateside neighborhood as well. The true picture of this predicament for many was revealed in 2007-10 when many had invested their life savings into their houses only to see the value of those homes dwindle….several returned to Kenya for good while I know a few that have been unable to reclaim their former professional selves due to subtle age discrimination in job search.
Listen, I have lots at stake in the states as well as I strongly believe in balance. However, I knew life is more than madoubles when I ran into a former California Bay area resident in a Tigoni gas station last week-he worked in Sillicon Valley for years, invested and bought a one way ticket home.…he was driving an older pick up with bags of maize, potatoes and mbogas from his farm….his only regret was not moving back home sooner as he couldn’t quantify the psychological benefits of been away from the rat race as he calls it.
Brothers and sisters, we can have civil conversations without resorting to name calling or being overly defensive.
Ok, long story short, give us
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Ok, long story short, give us helpful information....don't tell us about working madoubles and paying bills, we should be telling you about those......if you care that much, do some work and just don't give us basic, old information. You did your doubles during your time, let others do their doubles until their time comes...acheni kutushikia bunduki na matusi ati we invest, who are you?.... we all came to kujipanga, those who are not doing 'anything' (to your definition) are okey with their life.....mnafikiria wakirudi Kenya ndo watajisaidia?
Thank you mr siafu;I don't
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Thank you mr siafu;I don't nag kwa ubaya am happy when I see my fellow kenyans
living a good life n thinking of their future juu nobody knows kama usa,uk,Germany or
where kenyans wanaishi will come crumbling down tomorrow.There is more opportunities
in kenya more than diaspora for those who wants to risk juu wr imerging country n
it creates chances for those who have their ears open wide.Deciding to stay in majuu is
ok but investing kasomethings hapa home juu a time might come n u want to jet back
juu as u know east or west home is the best especially in old age.Mr thuraku I told u tell
me when ur coming u visit me tukule kabuzi hapa Tigoni.Eeee mbana
Balaa!!...huchoki boss!....I
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Balaa!!...huchoki boss!....I can get you back here states if you will be "Mrs Shida"....nitakupatia karatasi bro......its legal where I'm at!.....ti muthako!
Why do you care about us?
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Why do you care about us? Who are we to you? Help those nearer you..... and if you cannot put your money where your mouth is, it is none of your biz....mashow offs...bragging about things you don't even have.....
Niko boss....let's make it
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Niko boss....let's make it happen....I am mostly up and down Waiyaki Way. I am not much of a night life person these days but I have been known to show up at Limuru Country Club on occassion...
Hii mapressure sio poa.
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Hii mapressure sio poa. Investing anywhere is poa. Investing in kenya is very good...only if you can invest safely. We!...nimeibiwa boss. an alternative is to invest locally(where u at) and divest when you plan to relocate. I'll be damned if I am 55+ going back to eat matunda ya jasho yangu only to find ina wenyewe wengine!! How will I fight them in court and they have mastered the 'kenyan' way of kortini. Hio ni balaa!
...then the apartments you
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...then the apartments you built are being taxed 30% ...a relative will tell you "si uweke kwa jina yangu? mimi ni 10% peke yake"...THATS KWISHA!...The chap may strip you of ownership permanently or incur huge loans using your property as collateral! 20 years of sweat gone to a conniving thief. Wait....maybe I should send my $$$ to @Mkenya halisi...labda hata niibia? Maybe Chase...sorry..Imperial bank.....Maybe these Diaspora microfinance schemes that seem to implode on the regular. Bado sijapata hata title ya ploti after 5years. The other I was building with a relatives aid pole pole always seems to need more n more (way more than the estimates). I need some serious advice; somebody help me!
@Shida, wacha negativity
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@Shida, wacha negativity nyingi. Si wewe una biashara hapa majuu? we kula hiyo yako na usaidie wengine kutafuta hizo oportunity. Kenya is not so dire like you want to make it look. Kama imekuweza (soma comments za Kusota hapo juu ), wacha kuongea mbaya about it, wewe zidi ku-invest majuu. Wewe na "inferiority complex" may not like Mkenya Halisi's or even Thuraku's posts, but I do, and I need them to stay vocal (besides it is their right) about how they are thriving in Kenya so the likes of me and any other silent observer can pick out something or two from them. Hi maneno ya kuwagonga ngonga like a protruding nail wacheni mazee. Kuna wengine who just seem to get frustrated kila mara MK Halisi anandika, jameni why don't just you skip his post and move on. I never see him use any abusive language on anybody and I am least concerned that he speaks of his exploits frequently. Why are you so bothered? Si even the article writer has mentioned how he/she is enjoying every bit of their time their, why only MK ndio anapewa backlash! Let him be. @Thuraku, like your factual and elegant response to inferiority. Keep thriving!
Skiza boss...coin ina pande
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Skiza boss...coin ina pande mbili. Naongelea wale walifunga virago wakarudi mtaani mambo ikaumana. Husomi comments zao hapa ju afadhali wahussle ya dishi badala ya bundles. Wengi actually huchujwa ju wametoka "majuu" bila $$$. Kila coin pande mbili sir. If you dont find halisi offensive...uko na thick skin bratha.I dont mind halisi...I actually like hitting back at him. Bado ni bro "lakini mimi ndiye mso"!
@soldieron Alot of what i
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@soldieron Alot of what i comment on is a reflection of my personal life. I have relatives as we comment wako uarabuni (HORROR stories za huko I bet u'v read) and others still need alot of help mtaani. Just as Thuraku and halisi are free to air the positive side of 254 mimi I will have a balanced approach. FACT---Nime invest mtaani pia. Not too heavily though...mdogo. Diversification ni lazima. Tuepuke mashida!
Leo nitafungua roho kabisa.
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Leo nitafungua roho kabisa. Mimi sijatoka family ya masonko. I keep questioning my stay majuu ...."How much is enough?" Lakini kama if all I read is how rosy it is mtaani I get homesick. Kama wewe ni mtu mzima you know thats not the true picture. Vijana will start pouring $$$ mtaani and forgetting that it is not gauranteed. We all know the karegular visit for a month doesn't cut it! Nikama naji console! kama 'kusota' amesota hio ni hali ya maisha. Kama 'halisi' na 'thuraku' ni masonko...ni hali ya maisha pia. TUEPUKE MASHIDA!
@Shida, kwangu mimi sio
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@Shida, kwangu mimi sio sonko....I just want to live a life that is not dictated by pressure to impress the joneses or having to look at anyone else for help. That was my sole goal of investing in Kenya. You would laugh if you saw the car that I bought on arrival…it is however good on gas and it takes me where I need to go. I never invested to get very rich but to give me options.
The one thing that I have and mentioned before is the feeling of being more alive…After doing my work all morning today, I met a friend at 3pm at Maxland opposite Safaricom building for traditional Kikuyu soup and mutura – on a weekday! You don’t need loads of money but be smart with what you have. The mistake many diaspora Kenyans make is to come home and try to impress everyone and party the whole time they are here. Bars are expensive and so is visiting relatives with goodies in tow. Live within your means and you will not believe how good you can have it here. Remember, you can never impress everyone….
@ Thuraku - i understand
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@ Thuraku - i understand what you are saying but I want to chime in and say that you can have quality of life anywhere with friends, free time , a cold one after work anywhere etc, it all depends on your hustle my brother . I think sometimes we overlook the many things that can make life interesting in Diaspora because perhaps we are abit conservatives. I find fun, , feeling alive etc where I'm and I invest where I'm because of my circumstances. Kenya is not for me to live and visit and would never trade that. So while it is good to show the positive side of it , lets also consider and not pour cold water on Diaspora living because I know a many a people who are comfortable living and investing here or even the carribean than in Kenya. Having a beach property for instance somewhere in the prsitine beaches of Carribean may be a much cheaper and agood investment for airbnb than Mombasa. Just another perspective.
Umesema!
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Umesema!
@ Formerly Guest 2, you are
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@ Formerly Guest 2, you are so right! You can make a quality life wherever you are.I just found it a bit more difficult in the west because of what life dictates of you especially if you are raising kids.....laundry, cooking, taking care of the lawn, managing young kids especially if day care was not an option as was the case with my wife and me. All those things "eat" into your time leaving little to no time for anything else. A long time Kenyan friend of mine who has made millions in Silicon Valley wrote to me two weeks ago about “life being more than just making money”. I read lots of frustration between the lines. This person is married to a non-Kenyan who has no interest in relocating to Kenya. This friend’s former life was visiting Kenya at least twice a year prior to their nuptials but those trips have been reduced to one every two to three years.
Now, the negatives of being in Kenya – yes, I do recognize that we have those!
-In Nairobi, the freedom to move around is not only dictated by traffic but by security as well. I am rarely out past 8pm but it is always in the back of your mind that my movements are dictated by the area I am I and the time of day. Luckily, I have no little interest in the night life – being there, done that.
-Relatives and even friends can get into your business and I hate that. People here are nosy especially if you tend to be a private person like me.
-People here are greedy especially given the chance to swindle you. While working, everyone will promise you the moon but will dodge your phone calls when it’s time to deliver.
-Health care facilities, even the top notch, are more interested in making money. This is an issue especially if you have a preexisting condition. My suggestion is to plan for physicals when you travel back to the states or as many are doing here – going to India.
-If you are not much into the bar scene, you have to work extra hard to find groups that share your interests. Kenyan attitudes are changing though. People are planning hiking, camping, weekend trips etc.
-God forbid you need service from a government office. Despite what they say, it’s still a nightmare as I have been dealing with lately.
-People expect you to have lots of money. Always inviting you to fundraisers or even making unusual requests like for you to cosign a loan. Isn’t this a problem in the states as well?
-The roads and driving attitudes! Nuff said!
I will however know that I have fully adjusted to being a Kenyan when I begin every sentence with “Me” or “Si”. For example, “Me, I went to Naivasha for the weekend” or “Si you make sure that you attend the event”.
Thanks for balancing this out
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Thanks for balancing this out . Your friend in Silicon valley is making all that money and have quality of life . Hapo there is more and why can't the wife relocate - there is a vibrant community of foreigner there in NBO , that has all sorts of nationality, she can find her niche. I think all in all, life is what you make it. Thanks for not generalizing and putting everyone in one box. Every person has their own rendition of sucess, quality of life etc. Good luck to you.
If anyone reads this comment
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If anyone reads this comment and you were deported from majuu (yaani ulichoma picha), please tell us your experience back in the 254. +ve and -ve.....please. Also would you like to go back majuu? (since deportation is generally not a voluntary activity)
Wewe mr shida na Hii
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Wewe mr shida na Hii deportation yako???Deportation is
actually not the problem,the problem is ukidipotiwa
ukienda kenya do u have something or where do u start.
But ukiwa umenjipanga kiasi u don't fear or worry Juu life
itaendelea visawa.
Loved this article. So real,…
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Loved this article. So real, so fresh. I'm based in South Africa but find this article so relevant to anybody living in the 'developed' world. Kudos!
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