Seven Tell Tales that Betray a Diaspora Kenyan

Living away from home for an extended period has its effects in an individual. No single person will live in another culture and fail to pick one or two behaviors from the dominant culture. That does not mean the individual has foregone his utamaduni, it only means he has another layer of culture added to his Kenyan mind. You will never miss one or two of the following from a Diaspora Kenyan:

1. You now give tips

In the days gone by, when you had to account for every Shilling. It did not cross your mind that the waiter, the gas station attendant, the mechanic, they would all appreciate a small tip. The vocabulary never existed in your mind. But all that has been eroded by the many years you have spent abroad. When you visit the homeland, you find yourself feeling guilty not giving a tip to service providers.

In your adopted home, giving gratuity in restaurants is almost common law, in some states. The bill comes ready with a section screaming out loud how much tip you will leave behind. Heck, even the modern smartphones have a tip calculator. It is demanded of you. Initially it seemed a lot to part with a $7.00 tip for a $50.00 meal. But slowly, the behavior has rubbed on you.

Remember those days you would first do a mental sum to change $$ to Ksh? Did you go like, “Wow, $4 = Ksh360, for a loaf of bread! Mama Mia! Niindathira.”

Back in Nairobi, the waiter might be get an early heart attack to see a Mundu wa Nyumba leaving a Ksh200 tip after a meal. She will be so thankful that her matatu fare for that day is taken care of. Sometimes your company at the restaurant might be surprised that you are giving money to strangers.

“Leta hiyo pesa I buy a pack of cigarrets, badala ya kupatia strangers,” your friend might tell you. It is not a Kenyan culture to give tips ovy ovyo.

2. You obey traffic rules

Nairobi drivers, especially matatus have a penchant for driving like drunk Russians on steroids. They are just badass drivers! They thrive in intimidating private car drivers. They will cut you in high speed, then immediately stop to pick a passenger, no blinking, no indication, nothing. They just apply emergency breaks right after cutting you. Where does that leave you with your rental car? Cursing and throwing a major tantrum. Only that it happens in your head, because your mother-in-law is at the back seat. To the matatu drivers of Nairobi, traffic rules are made for sissies like you and I and our rental cars.

3. You get cold feet spending the night in the village

Village life has changed a lot in the last two decades you have been away. The little lads that were running half naked back in the day are now the Morans of the village. They have absolutely no idea that in your days in the village, you were the Ninja. Like Okonkwo, your fame had spread in the nine ridges surrounding your village like fire in the Hammattan.

But now you are middle aged and out of shape. The rental car you have driven to the village has four tires, two side mirrors, a battery, and a few other items that might do good to the GDP of the new village Ninjas. Pray to the owner of ostriches that it does not rain the day you visit the village. When the village path is muddy and skiddy, the village lads will not help push your car unless you cough a couple of hundreds. In your day, it was fun to chase after cars in the rain. You would have been glad to help the village tycoon get his 1960 Land Rover Series II out of the muddy patches. The reward would have been hopping onto the bed of the jalopy and getting a ride to nowhere.

4. Using the long-drop is a tall order

The occidental flushing toilet must be the best thing invented, after slice bread of course. The comfort it gives its users is unparalleled. However, in many third world villages, simple comforts such as running water are unheard of.

There is a major global campaign to construct outhouses for the locals. This is because it is absolutely normal for some villagers to do their business in the nearby thicket. But with cholera and other communicable diseases, it is now abhorrent to defecate (Oh! I used the taboo word) in the open.

But you and I know that in many of our villages, the long drop is still in vogue. The balancing act you need while in the outhouse is enough to make a user turn into a contortionist with continued use. So, tell me, how do you expect a Diaspora Kenyan who has been used to the flushing toilet to feel when nature calls? Call me when you get the answer.

Have you heard that a child of a certain Diasporan got an impacted bowel because the child, born and brought up in a certain Western nation, would not use the outhouse at grandma’s place? “But mom, how do I poop in a dark hole?” the child was heard asking at the hospital.

Besides the outhouse tribulations, one gets used to a hot water (Hat warra) shower in the West. The faucet in the kitchen or bathroom that says hot, actually produces hot water. Well, it might not always be so in the homeland. Even in major establishments in Nairobi, be very thankful if you got what is indicated. However, they have some really nice and clean public toilets in the City for a small fee.

5. Your identity is now bungled

Who exactly you are in terms of identity has been challenged by the many cultures you have come across. Are you the same shagsmondo who left the village those many years aboard a matatu together with the horde of villagers who escorted you to JKIA? Or have you metamorphosed into a global citizen with an open mind?

Someone said that even after living in the USA for more than 30 years, he had not changed to become an African American, he was not an American either, yet when he went back to Africa, he realized how American he had become. What a confused identity?

6. You must buy Ketepa on your way back

Na njahi, na unga ya ugali. This one needs no nuclear scientist to expound. But you know how hard it is to explain to the agricultural officer at the port of entry why you have Farmers Choice Sausages in your luggage.

7. You have more Kenyan art in your base than Paa ya Paa

I am all for patriotism. There is nothing that screams patriotic than national symbols. Kamba craft, Kisii carvings, Maasai belts, “Uhuru” wristband, Kikoy shirt, Safari Boots, Kenyan miniature flag in the car, Hakuna Matata T-shirt, and Kamande wa Kioi DVDs. These items are prized possessions of the Diaspora. They bring back the nostalgic memories of the homeland. When a Diapsora is sipping the red Napa Valley products, seated in a rocking couch, watching a spirited NBA match, on a 65 inch Smart Samsung 4K TV, a traditional gourd and banana leaves artwork adorning the walls reminds the Diaspora where he came from.

By Mzee Moja